Sometimes the only difference between a great relationship and a not so great one, is the use of tools. One of those tools is good, honest to goodness, sweet as apple pie 'sound advice'. It will help you make all those important assessments and decisions. Which is my intention today.
Relationships are often depicted in soundbites. The man and women meet unexpectedly, they have a fantastic time, and if things don't work they leave each other with a smile on their face and a spring in their step. The art of good relating, the tools and strategies are never mentioned.
If you hear the neighbours whispering when you leave the house - they could be referring to you as either a spineless jellyfish or a quitter, depending on whether you stay in the unhappy relationship or leave.
Now that over two thirds of marriages end in divorce, the importance of good quality advice is paramount. Keep your eyes and ears open, right from the beginning. Make silent notes (or even written) of the behaviour that bothers you and don't make excuses for them. Similarly don't have unreasonable or unrealistic expectations.
Fore-warned is Fore-armed.
Unhealthy Relationship Types to Avoid
1. The Angry
Sounds pretty obvious ladies and gents, but any form of physical abuse is not to be tolerated. Get out now especially if children are involved.
Take action to maintain your safety - immediately. Discuss the 'relationship' only from a safe distance if you still think that there may be something to salvage.
You are not responsible for their happiness, childhood, moods or feelings. We are only responsible for our own thoughts, feelings and happiness. Seek professional advice and support as you are not their therapist.
2. The Bitter One
They are never happy for you or your achievements. They never notice a new shirt, haircut, or accessory. They seek any opportunity to minimize your success and every opportunity to highlight a negative occurrence or mistake.
They are emotional vampires. Putting you and your accomplishments down makes their small and insignificant selves feel better
Get out while you still have a back bone. If want to attempt to salvage this 'relationship' I recommend doing so with the help of a neutral third party - who will help point out their behaviour in a non-threatening way.
3. The Serial Woman / Man - izer
They are very suspicious when it comes to your cell phone and emails, but are very secretive about their business. You feel something is not right, but can't quite figure out why.
They love to project their guilty selves on to you - making you responsible for their suspicions, moods, stress and taxes.
Collect evidence. Examine it. Get out soon.
4. Power Plays
Do they sulk and get moody if you go out with your friends or family?
Does your beloved suddenly become sick, stuck in traffic or experience something 'major' at work just before your big night out?
Despite your reassurances, they are insecure and threatened by those close to you.
If you are still willing to work on this - do so with the help of a neutral third party. But do ask yourself how long you are willing to put up with this?
5. The Libido Has Left The Room
If your drives are very different, or one of you recently had a loss of drive, then this of course could result in a bit of future tension.
This could be easily rectified by a bit of help and support in other areas of your lives. Speak openly with your beloved to better understand the situation.
Sensitivity and tact are very important in this situation. And problems in the bedroom could actually be an indication of problems in other areas of the relationship - i.e. anger, resentment, lack of and intimacy and boredom.
6. The Eternal Child
They were and still are a 60's child. Young-ish, free-ish, and not now not so single.
Needy, irresponsible and carefree they love to be taken care of by you. You are actually more a parent then a partner to them.
If you stay with them for too long you will wind up tired and resentful.
7. In Need of Repair
A long list of hurts is what these desperate 'victims' cling to.
Their hurts would go on for miles if had the courage to write them down and think them over.
They will never truly believe that you like them, love them, or that you are faithful or committed.
Warning - you may get bored of re-assuring them. The intervention of a neutral third party will help point out their negative and gloomy outlook.
8. Love Me Love Me
Their mum or dad told them that they were fabulous, the best thing since sliced bread. Unfortunately for you - they believed it.
They will always be the innocent party, as they could never do anything wrong. And what's worse - they will be very attached to their mother's or father's apron strings.
A reality check is in order here. If they do not listen to you, get a neutral third party involved.
If they still do not see the light, give them their marching orders.
9. No Dirtiness - Unless it Verbal
If you don't mind funny smells, fungi or bacteria you may be in for a great time. However if cleanliness is your thing, you may want to make a speedy departure.
I'm sure good personal care is a sign of a healthy mind -well at least it's a start. Why would you expect anything less?
10. I'm Over Here!
Entirely focused on their selves, comfort and goals they often forget that you exist. However they still expect support and help from you - but if you need the same, you can forget about it.
State you needs and expectations. Tell these people what you will and will not tolerate and them minimum level of respect and appreciation that you expect. Send them on their way if end up repeating yourself more twice.
You are not their slave. Get out pronto.
Always bear in mind that you may be contributing to the unhealthy relationship via your own issues, beliefs and personality. If you have honestly tried to discuss the situation with your beloved, tried to make great efforts, and have gone out of your way to understand them - they it may be time to make important decisions. A neutral third party is always a great way to view the situation and the people involved in fair and honest way. However if all else fails - put your thinking cap on.
Just keep in mind that you deserve to be treated with respect, consideration, and appreciation at all times.
To your health and happiness!