By Carl “J.C.” Pantejo, Copyright March 2008
(Author “My Friend Yu – The Prosperity Mentor,” Copyright August 2007. Pantejo - Y.N. Vurce Publishing.)
“Prosperity: The eternal flow of all that’s good in life…”
*Below is the twentieth episode based on a series of real life events experienced by the author. The only deviations from the truth may be the names of people and places. These stories are also incorporated in “My Friend Yu – the Prosperity Mentor: Book II,” Pantejo - Y.N. Vurce Publishing. Release Date: 2008.
- Review Questions -
1. Remember the Communication issues discussed in “Experiences from ‘The Flow’ (11)…” and that Miscommunication can cause half of all relationship problems?
2. Have you looked at Your List, the list of your personal Needs and Desires lately (“Experiences from ‘The Flow’ )?
3. Does Your List represent your current Vital and Important needs/desires (as discussed in “Experiences from ‘The Flow’ …”); or have your needs/desires drastically changed?
4. When you now weigh your items on your personal Satisfaction Scale (“Experiences from ‘The Flow’ …”), is the picture the same; or has it changed from Compatibility to Incompatibility?
5. Has your once Compatible Relationship turned into a Neutral Relationship? If so, please re-examine the ins and outs of Neutral Relationships (“Experiences from ‘The Flow’ …”).
6. Are you succumbing to Fear and letting a Neutral or Incompatible Relationship continue to siphon joy from your life? Maybe you should remember the salient points in “Experiences from ‘The Flow’ (16) and (17)…”?
(By the way, the English friend I mentioned in (17) is back in his home country and doing well. The other friend who opted to stay is still the same – miserable. He sure has a lot more patience than me!).
7. If you are in a relationship with a Bar Girl, are you beginning to understand the challenges you face? As described in the last two articles “Experiences from ‘The Flow’ (18) and (19)…,” Bar Girls can be difficult to fathom. They are truly a different breed, aren’t they?
The point of all these questions?
You must constantly evaluate the status of your relationship.
If something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t. If something feels good, how can you increase it?
Too many people get blind-sided because they don’t monitor the important things in their own lives, especially relationships.
Fear, ignorance, or pure complacency can easily cause a Compatible Relationship to deteriorate (oftentimes, very rapidly) into one of its lesser cousins (Neutral and/or Incompatible).
Relationships behave like living things. They need constant care and nourishment to flourish.
They must grow or die.
How can you keep yours alive and thriving?
- Stay in the Present -
Review Your List.
Why? Nothing stays the same. Like all things in life, we all change.
If you refuse to accept this fact of life, you’ll end up spending most of your time lamenting the loss of things (and days) gone by.
How sad this is.
- Coulda’, Woulda’, Shoulda’ -
It reminds me of most of the retired military veterans I’ve met in Asia.
Without a nest egg, passive income (from investments), a follow-on career, or business, they are forced to live within their moderate military pensions; hence, they hang out at U.S. military base bars in Asia almost every night.
They desperately seek others who will patiently sit with them and offer a sympathetic ear. Then they re-live their pasts (over and over again).
When in good spirits, they embellish their nostalgia and tell their stories of romantic conquests and heroic military achievements – to anyone who will listen.
But when feeling down, all one can hear is their “coulda’, woulda’, shoulda’” stories.
In other words, they are stuck in the past.
Regarding your relationship, are you still in the past?
The past is past. Stay in the present.
- In the Present -
Update Your List to reflect your current needs and desires. Do the Compatibility Analysis again.
Look at your new, current Satisfaction Scale.
What does it look like?
What are the Pluses in your relationship now? How can you regain Pluses that have disappeared? How can you add more Pluses or strengthen existing ones. Be creative.
Are the old Minuses still there? Why?
For example, if language was a Minus, why haven’t you and her worked on alleviating the problem?
Compared to the beginning of your relationship, are there additional Minuses now? If so, why? Are they insurmountable? Can you fix them (or permit them and still continue the relationship)?
- Accept Reality -
Remember that nothing stands still.
This includes relationships – especially neglected ones.
Has your relationship gotten better?
Whether yes or no, you must accept reality.
Great and good relationships must be nurtured to continue (and hopefully become even better, stronger). How is this done? Simple. Add more Pluses and lessen the Minuses!
Adding Pluses and lessening Minuses can also bring Newly Neutral Relationships back from the brink with a minimum of hassle and pain.
But if it’s not worth it anymore, don’t escalate your commitment. Take your losses and move on.
- Farang, Know Thyself! -
Some readers may think that this whole series of articles on relationships and compatibility is somewhat self-centered and selfish.
You bet you’re a$$ it is!
No one can control you - but you.
Left uncontrolled (that is, having no self-discipline) and ignorant, most new Farangs (Thai: foreigners) lose out big time in Thailand.
Think of it.
The communication issue already puts Farangs at a huge disadvantage. The culture lends itself to exploiting Farangs because, in their eyes, “all foreigners are rich!”
And our funny, foreign ways are as amusing to them as theirs are to us. Thai people have no qualms at laughing at our “weird ways.”
But since this is their country, we must not be blatant about our own amusement (e.g., pointing at them and laughing – like they so often do to us); it would make them lose face and eventually affect us negatively.
Love and romance is intimately entwined with money in Thailand – something totally foreign to most foreigners. The Love/Money issue leads to all the stereotypical sob stories of heartbreak, anger, and bankruptcy that I hear about daily.
(Ultimately, that makes us Farangs “Traveling Side-Shows and walking ATMs.”)
- The Invisible Hand -
You must accept the fact that you can’t change anyone else.
If the true natures of each person in a relationship are incompatible, why continue? For all concerned, it is far better to move on to a more naturally suitable partner or to simply live alone.
To continue living with an incompatible partner is a recipe for chronic misery.
Don’t feel guilty about expressing what you need and want to others (and more importantly, to yourself). Lying to others and yourself is stupid and will only lead to unhappiness.
Akin to Adam Smith’s economic “Invisible Hand,” I believe in “The Invisible Hand” of relationships. If each person acts in their own best interest, all will profit. Compatibility will find more Compatibility. Less time, energy, and resources will be wasted on Incompatible people and relationships.
If it’s not a win/win, you really should walk away.
When more people are true to themselves, that is, they know who they are and what they truly want from a relationship/partner, more relationships would succeed instead of fail.
And more time can be spent on enjoying Compatible ones.
- 7 Recommendations -
1. Constantly evaluate your situation.
2. Remember that relationships need to keep growing to stay alive. This means you must continually add Pluses and lessen Minuses.
3. Accept Reality. Don’t escalate commitment in a doomed relationship.
4. Don’t feel guilty about seeking what you need and want.
5. By all means, remember that life was meant to be happy and fulfilling. Why waste it on a lose/win relationship?
6. You can not change anyone who doesn’t want to change!
7. You can only control yourself.
“Until next time, find ‘The Flow’ and jump in!”
Your Friend in this Intrepid Journey called Life,
Carl “J.C.” Pantejo
Farang, Thailand, compatible, relationship, bar girl, pluses, minuses, advice, Invisible Hand, escalate commitment, scale, needs, desires.
Note: If you want to read more about Asian and Western cultural differences, finding unconditional love, exorcising past personal demons, and the Illusive Secret of Happiness, please read the following articles:
“Experiences from ‘The Flow’: From Heartbreak to Happiness”
“Experiences from ‘The Flow’ (2): Coincidence or Synchronicity: FROM RELAPSE TO MIRACLES...”
“Experiences from ‘The Flow’ (3): LOST AND FOUND - Kindred Spirits and Mistakes made in Haste.”
“Experiences from ‘The Flow’ (4): LOST AND FOUND – Meant to Be?”
“Experiences from ‘The Flow’ (5): “The Stray”
“Experiences from ‘The Flow’ (6): “New Beginnings, Old Endings”
“Experiences from ‘The Flow’ (7) - Living Well? Farangs and Finance: The Myth”
“Experiences from ‘The Flow’ (8) Living Well? Farangs and Finance: The Reality, Stupidity, and Hard Knocks.”
“Experiences from ‘The Flow’ (9): New Girlfriend, New Life.”
“Experiences from ‘The Flow’ (10): Farangs and Asians – Polarized Views.”
“Experiences from ‘The Flow’ (11) - Farangs: In (or considering) a long-term Western/Asian Relationship? Read This Now!
“Experiences from ‘The Flow’ (12) - Farang: Square Peg, Round Hole? Compatibility Issues.”
“Experiences from ‘The Flow’ (13) - Farang: Compatibility Issues II”
“Experiences from ‘The Flow’ (14) - Farang: Tipping the Scales. Good or Bad?”
“Experiences from ‘The Flow’ (15) - Farang: Interpretation of Your Results.”
“Experiences from ‘The Flow’ (16) - Farang: Make Your Scale Sway or Walk Away.”
“Experiences from ‘The Flow’ (17) - Farang: Further Interpretation. Lopsided Scales.”
“Experiences from ‘The Flow’ (18): A Good Tilt with a Bar Girl?”
“Experiences from ‘The Flow’ (19): Another Good Tilt with a Bar Girl?”
“How Dare She! Out of Desperation I Learned How to Forgive”
“Remember Who You Are!”
“Need to Heal Your Broken Heart? Read on. Overcome Heartbreak and Learn the Illusive Secret of Happiness.”
(By Carl “J.C.” Pantejo and published internet-wide, keyword: [title of article] or “Carl Pantejo”)
Experiences From 'the Flow' (20): the Good Tilt - Maintaining and Enhancing Your Compatible Relationship
By Carl “J.C.” Pantejo, Copyright March 2008